“You’re going to make some mistakes. You’re going to do some things you never thought you would. But no matter how many times you fall, get back up and turn to Allah. Never give up believing in Him, and never give up your prayer.”
—Muhammad Siddeeq, father of Umm Zakiyyah
…
As a child, I never thought much about spiritual crisis. I had no reason to. I performed my prayers, read Qur’an, and believed in Allah and His Messenger, peace be upon him.
I suppose you can say the hard part was already over by the time I was born. My parents had long since they made the difficult decision to leave the Christian church that they had known since childhood, and they had just taken the first step toward practicing Islam after spending years in the Nation of Islam.
My earliest memories are of listening to my father read from the Qur’an after Fajr, the first of the five daily prayers. My father, mother, siblings, and I would discuss the lessons we learned from that day’s reading; and we would reflect on our purpose in life as believers, particularly as it related to our respective realities, whether as students in elementary school or college, or as young adults on the verge of marriage.
It was during one of these lessons that I remember my father saying, “You’re going to make some mistakes. You’re going to do some things you never thought you would…” These words jolted me from my straying thoughts, and I found myself distracted by his last words.
All people would make mistakes, that I already knew; and I was no exception. But what struck me was his saying, “You’re going to do some things you never thought you would...”
I thought of the sins that I could imagine no pious person committing, and I wondered, “Could I do that?” It was difficult to fathom…
“…But no matter how many times you fall,” my father continued, “get back up and turn to Allah. Never give up believing in Him, and never give up your prayer.”
For some reason, these final words gave me pause more than the idea that I’d one day fall short in ways I’d never imagined. It was one thing to read about Allah’s Mercy and Forgiveness, but it was another thing to truly believe in it as it relates to your own soul.
Though I knew my father was merely sharing what Allah had already said over and over again in the Qur’an, a part of me was uncertain that this could relate to me should I ever succumb to the weaknesses of my soul.
Spiritual Weakness
Spiritual weakness evokes different images for different people. For me, it was the thought of becoming neglectful in my prayers. From childhood, I guarded my prayers carefully, and by the time I was living alone on campus in college, I had no recollection of ever missing a prayer. It was only by Allah’s Mercy that I was able to continue this routine as a university student.
Each day, despite my hectic studying and part-time work schedule, I squeezed in all five prayers. I’d excuse myself from work, slip out of an evening lecture, or even ignore the ringing of the phone to make sure I performed my prayers.
But truthfully, it wasn’t always easy. There were days that I’d come home late after an evening class, lab, or a study session, and the only thing I wanted to do was collapse into bed. Some nights I stood for ‘Ishaa, the last prayer of the night, and as I prayed each of the four units, all I could remember thinking was four more, three more, two more, and (thank God) one more…
Fortunately, some days were better than others, and overall I felt pretty good about my efforts in preserving at least a semblance of spiritual health.
‘Keep Up Your Prayers’
As the time of Ramadan approached, I began to feel anxious. I already knew that I was not willing to leave off reading a daily thirtieth of the Qur’an or praying Tarawih each night (though I already knew I’d be praying it alone, as there was no congregational prayers on campus).
Less than a week into Ramadan, despite my best efforts, I was unable to stick to my scripted schedule. Though I read Qur’an each day, my reading didn’t come close to the thirtieth I was in the habit of reading each day in previous years. Even my efforts at praying Tarawih began to fall through, as I had prayed Tarawih only as a mechanical routine, which (sadly) I didn’t look forward to because I was so exhausted from school.
When my parents made their weekly phone call to check on me, internally I cringed. I dreaded the inevitable question, “How’s Ramadan going?”I knew the high standards with which I was raised, especially regarding how Ramadan should be spent, and I didn’t want to reveal to my parents that I was falling terribly short.
As I spoke to my parents, my heart constricted as we talked lightheartedly. I knew they’d want to know how I was utilizing my time in Ramadan, and I didn’t want to tell them.
To my surprise, the conversation came to a close, and my parents had only these final words for me: “Keep up your prayers, sugar”—the same advice they had often given me and my siblings in youth.
I hung up the phone and sat in the quiet of my dorm room reflecting on these words.
Keep up your prayers, sugar…
Immediately, the burden that weighed upon me lifted, and I felt a sense of tranquility in my heart. It was at this moment that I realized my mistake. I had placed a burden on me that Allah had not. Where had I gotten the idea that making the most of Ramadan meant reading a certain number of pages from Qur’an? Where had I gotten the idea that Allah would not admit me into His Mercy unless I prayed Tarawih every night? Where had I gotten the idea that Ramadan was anything except what Allah teaches us it is?
Ramadan is the month of fasting. Ramadan is the month in which the Qur’an was revealed. And, most significantly, Ramadan is the Month of Mercy.
How had I missed this simple point? Yes, it was certainly ideal to complete reading the entire Qur’an by the end of the month. It was certainly commendable to stand inTarawih each night.
But did my benefiting from the blessings of the month depend on this?
Keep up your prayers, sugar…
No, benefiting from Ramadan lay in this simple piece of advice...
“You’re going to make some mistakes. You’re going to do some things you never thought you would. But no matter how many times you fall, get back up and turn to Allah. Never give up believing in Him, and never give up your prayer.”
| When my parents made their weekly phone call to check on me, internally I cringed. I dreaded the inevitable question, “How’s Ramadan going?”I knew the high standards with which I was raised, especially regarding how Ramadan should be spent, and I didn’t want to reveal to my parents that I was falling terribly short. |
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